The first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew I was in for the scariest roller coaster ride of my life.
Why roller coaster, you might ask.
Just like a roller coaster ride, loving you has had its ups and downs, spirals and circles, sudden bends and forks.
Quite arguable though - roller coaster rides never really made me feel like I was dying inside.
Nauseous, dizzy, faint, even - yes. The pain, however, was something quite distinctive of you and you alone.
I’ve always thought that you were just some kind of a phase in my life - something I’d get over of soon enough.
Boy was it so wrong of me to think so.
With you, I confuse dreams with reality.
That unique smile you have reserved only for me may be platonic but I can’t help but think otherwise.
How you lean on my shoulder and no one else’s definitely means something, right?
I guess I’m delusional when I thought that the way your hand lingers on mine might be something romantic at the least.
When you said that you loved me, I knew you meant it in a friendly way - that doesn’t mean I didn’t hope though.
It made me feel that I was important to you just as you are to me.
Words are something you throw quite casually and I of all people should know that you probably didn’t mean them in a special way.
To you, it may not be, but it meant the world to me.
You are far from perfect - I know this much.
Then again, perfect isn’t really what I was looking for.
Perfect, after all, only existed in the realm of Mr. Webster’s world - just like how you and I only existed in my dreams.
You’re not perfect. But you are perfect for me.
You are everything I’ve ever dreamt of having - perhaps, more.
She is everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Nothing more.
It’s only a dream - yet it’s not.
I want to wake up - but I’m already awake.
MEME | kyumin | acceptance
I guess I was never really in love with you.
I was probably in love with the idea of having you.
The untainted image of you embedded in my heart doesn’t seem to be all that pristine anymore.
But then again, it doesn’t make the pain hurt any less.
If possible, it made it worse.
Worse in the sense that none of what I believed to be was real.
With the realization comes the pain - not that sharp, stabbing quality it once used to be.
Just a numb feeling that constantly reminds me of promises not kept and shattered dreams - nagging at my insides, haunting me with life’s regrets.
Acceptance is what I need right now.
Acceptance is what I long for.
To accept that you and I are a thing of the past is what I aim to do.
Acceptance that what matters is what’s here and now - not the vague recall of memories long forgotten - memories that doesn’t seem to be of much importance anymore. To you, at least.
Acceptance is such an elusive thing.
You are there - but not really.
So near, yet so far.
Acceptance is what I’m striving for.
Acceptance is somewhere near my grasp.
Acceptance is something I thought I could achieve if I set my mind to it.
Then I see you smile that smile of yours which never fails to make my heart skip a beat.
The smile that used to be for me - only this time, you were looking at a completely different direction.
And the world goes crumbling down once again.
All efforts of letting go and moving on going down the drain together with the broken pieces of my heart.
Acceptance is somewhere I’m no near of having.
Then the cycle repeats itself.
I realize that yes, indeed I was not in love with you - because I still am.
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